Mom's Journey Blog

God's Faithfulness In My Life

It was in December 1998 that the Lord opened up my womb and I conceived a son, out of wedlock. I was to call him Emmanuel, meaning “God with us”, and he was to be my witness of God’s great faithfulness, in spite of our unfaithfulness. 

 

I had experienced a heartbreaking divorce in December of 1997. My husband had screamed to me, “Get it through your head! I. Don’t. Love you. Anymore.”. The words echoed through me head as I plopped down in the chair in the hotel room I had rented from the same manager that had rented an apartment to us on the third floor of the building. I cried out to the Lord day and night trying to understand why He allowed this to happen. I concluded that He didn’t love me and I ran away from him. 

 

Of course, in my unfaithfulness, not understanding that the Lord had a plan through all of it, and not stopping to even try to understand that “All things work together for good for those who love God”, as I had always been taught growing up, I vowed to do whatever I wanted with my life. I allowed myself to be used and abused by guys, making one bad choice after another. Every time, the Lord out of mercy would move me away…. It happened twice in Chadron, NE, right after I made the decision to go my own way and do things my way. The Lord moved me to Colombia. It happened there and the Lord moved me to California. The Lord tried to show me that He was with me by having my ex-husband offer to give me “our” car for $500, but I wouldn’t take it. A few months later, I had another affair with a guy by my work who used and abused me sexually terribly until I cried out for mercy. I then met another guy at a dance and I thought he was the guy God had sent to rescue me from my misery. He was to be the one who got me pregnant out of wedlock, something that neither I nor my family could understand and didn’t seek to understand … that I was to have my son to be a WITNESS TO GOD’S FAITHFULNESS in spite of our unfaithfulness in life. After I got pregnant, the Lord closed the door on the job where I was at- and I quit and moved to the city of Fullerton. I got a job very far from my apartment, in the city of Irvine. I then was in a horrible car accident on my way to work one day. It was a near-death experience as my car whirled around in circles in the middle of the road after a car side crashed me, and God kept me miraculously alive to show me He was protecting me. Yet, still, I would not budge from my decision to go my own way and the thought that God did not care about me the least bit. Such a slow learner, right????

 

After three months of pregnancy, the Lord caused this guy to leave me and I was to experience pregnancy on my own. This was to teach me to rely on God exclusively. As soon as he left, I felt an overwhelming peace take over my heart and a verse came to my mind: “Be not afraid for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). I wrote this verse down on paper and put it on my wall as a daily reminder.  

 

For about a year, I was okay. I got another job in a place a bit nearer to my apartment when I was almost 6 months pregnant, and had my baby during the time I was working there. I went through a really hard time trying to find a good caretaker for my little boy… until finally, the mom of one of the secretaries at my workplace said she would take care of him. She turned out to be the best babysitter I ever had! God proved he was watching over me. Yet… I was still looking for love and friendship from someone special and fell into temptation at my work. I got involved with someone that was married and so God caused me to get out of this place since I could not seem to end it with him on my own. My boss would not allow me to go to Colombia for a week’s vacation after working there for a year, so I quit. I never returned to that workplace. I know God caused this to happen so that this man would be out of my life. 

 

I got a job not far from there and kept my same babysitter. Again, I ended up winding myself up, unwillingly, with one of the workers there who was really nice to me and trying to win my heart. Once again, my heart was broken, or rather smashed. I cried out to God and asked that he send me a husband to protect me and provide for my needs so that other guys, married and single, would realize I was off limits. I just did not seem to be strong enough to ward off some of the guys, even though I did ward off quite a few of them…. There was always someone that was extra nice to me at each workplace and I would fall into temptation because I felt lonely and emotionally broken. 

 

Soon after my prayer, shortly before Emmanuel’s second birthday,  the Lord sent me the man who is currently my husband. However, I didn’t think he was “the one”. I kept him in the “friend zone” for many months, but we ended up getting engaged and got married a few months before my son’s third birthday. 

 

My second marriage has had it’s ups and downs, and a lot has to do with my fear of intimacy and the sexual abuse that I experienced time and time again in my search for love. However, I've come to realize that these problems and challenges have drawn me into a closer relationship with God, for which I am grateful. 

 

For the past 10 years, I’ve been on a journey with God as my mentor. He has been healing me, refining me like gold (and it’s certainly gotten incredibly hot in that furnace!), pruning me, humbling me, testing me….. all to make me the leader He desires me to be, relying completely on HIS wisdom, leadership, and power to get me there. The more I have surrendered to His will and learned to just be still as He did His work in my life, the more peaceful and joyful I have become. He didn’t take me OUT of the situation, but instead, He has been working THROUGH the challenges, helping me grow and mature as a person and in my faith and trust in Him.G

 

God has promised two more witnesses of His power, faithfulness and loving kindness in my life to all around me, and for generations to come. These will be: The rank of Royal Crown Diamond in Young Living and the Blissful Haven.