My life felt completely meaningless; I had no desire to live. Jesus changed that. I'd like to share how He did that to give you HOPE if you feel
your life is meaningless as well.
Even though I was brought up in a Christian family and my parents were missionaries, I felt a deep hole within me. I remember I even wrote a
song that said that; it was in Spanish. The only words I can remember from that song were "Siento un vacio tan dentro de mi", which means "I feel an emptiness so deep inside me". It was a cry for help, but nothing anyone said seemed to help. It would be many
years before that emptiness was filled and my life would begin to have meaning.
As I look back, it seems I started filling that emptiness with anger and resentment.
I resented my parents for sending me to a school I hated and had no friends. I resented the people from my school because they would look down on me for not being as rich as they were and my appearence was not what they desired - I wore glasses and was overweight,
as well as very shy. The group of girls that I was hanging out with in 8th grade actually sent one of them to tell me face on "We have decided we don't want you in our group anymore; we don't want you hanging out with us". From
the 8th grade until the end of highschool my years were very lonely.
After highschool, my dad sent me to a Latvian school, since
he and my grandma (his mom) wanted me to spend some time with Latvians and learn the language better, and maybe even marry a Latvian. I was sent alone to Germany when I was 17. I tried to fit in
by going out with a group at night and drinking beer. I finally had enough of that once I came back one night when we had been standing outside a gas station drinking beer and I came back and felt horrible. This girl that I thought was my friend helped me
to my room and helped me get ready for bed, at my request. Then, she went and called a bunch of people and they all made fun of me. It was a horrible night, but a turning point for me. I no longer wanted them as my friends. Not long after that, I tried to commit suicide, but God wanted me alive and rescued me from that by sending someone to talk to me. The rest of the year was a blur... It was a terrible year though.
When I got back home, I wrote another song in Spanish that was titled "Mi Mejor Amigo" (My Best Friend". It talked about how Jesus had been there for me when I was far away and felt lonely. In fact,
I felt that Jesus was my only true friend. That is why I decided to go to Bible School. However, those four years in Bible college were not really that helpful. I still had many anger issues and had trouble trusting people. I didn't really feel I belonged
there at all, and wondered what God's plan was for me! Why was I alive? What my purpose on this earth? As I read the book "God@Work", I realize that it was because God was actually calling me and preparing me to be a leader in the "marketplace", not in the
church. It would be many years later that I learned that lesson - not until 2014!
When I graduated from Bible school in 1994, I was engaged to someone from that school.
We married in June of 1995, but we had a terrible marriage right from the very start. He ended up leaving me in December of 1997. I then
was just very angry at God. I started living my life in a totally different way than how I knew God wanted me to live and how my parents had taught me to live. I wanted to "find love" so bad that
I'd do anything.
I looked for love in all the wrong places. God no longer was my "best friend" as I had said in the song several years before.
He started becoming a distant memory; I felt He didn't care at all for me! My life was a disaster and nobody, not even God cared.... that is how I felt.
To make a long
story short, I got pregnant at the end of 1998. My little boy's father told me he was getting a divorce and he wanted to marry me. Of course, he did not keep his promises, and I ended up
going through my pregnancy alone. My church turned their back on me, my dad was angry at me.... My world was got even worse than I ever thought it would! I didn't end my pregnancy though. I started coming
back to God and the verse from Isaiah 41:10 became my favorite "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
I had my baby in August of 1999 and named him Emmanuel because that was the name God implanted on my heart to name him. It meant "God is with us". It turned out to be that he was to be a daily reminder that God was going to be with us and provide for us no matter what happened! I raised my baby on my own, and I always had enough money to pay for everything.
As I look back, I realized God was providing for me through many different avenues, even though I had been so unfaithful to Him; God was teaching me that He would always be faithful in the midst of our unfaithfulness.
As years went by, I got remarried and had a little girl. My pregnancy was easier because I had her dad with me during the entire time and we raised her together. He also adopted my son and
was always a good provider for all of us. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, though, like all marriages. Through it, though, God has been teaching me once again that HE is my best friend,
not my husband nor anyone else. I have learned through my almost 12 years of marriage that GOD is the one who provides for us and that there is nothing I need to fear, no matter what happens in life.
God will always take care of us.
My reason for living? To share with as many people as possible how GOD gives us hope even when the path looks so dark and scary.
He is the only one that can free us from pain and suffering when we learn to trust Him and follow His will for our life. He is faithful to us and loves us even when we are unfaithful to Him, but we have to live with the
consequences with our actions. When we choose to live the life He desires, totally dependent on Him in every way, not worrying about what "others might say or think about
our actions", we can experience a peace that surpasses all understanding. We will still have times of sorrow, but they won't last long because as we come to God, He renews our JOY and our PEACE. When
we start living in a way that we don't allow money nor our desire to be liked and accepted by everyone to lead us, we start really listening to what God has to tell us and we can live a carefree life, knowing that ALL will be ok. We just
have to be a blessing to others, like God has blessed us.
God has truly saved my life and made my life worth living! All glory be to Him for not giving up on
me, and for using my past in a way that will glorify Him in every way.